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Lesson 6: Gratitude

Tonight is my post about Gratitude and I am sitting here on Ned’s floor, my cheek still stinging like it happened just seconds ago. This was NOT supposed to happen but last night in my Integrity post, I made a promise to write on Gratitude tonight, so of course this is the perfect time to write a post on Gratitude. Life can be SO ironic. Tonight was not supposed to be me, heavy and listless, with a gallon of tears dried on my face and the residual feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin. I don’t even want to sit in a chair. I want to stay here and better yet, I could dramatically lie prostrate on the floor, as befits a woman in anguish. This feeling is so familiar to me: Rage, depression, apathy, anger, incredible sadness, lethargy, defeat, shame, guilt, remorse, regret, and intense discomfort x50. Too often in my life, there is a pervasive unsettled and nervous energy, a state of uncertainty and fear that culminates into anxiety. It seems it will not leave my side. I keep trying to pry its sticky hands off my body but as soon as I peel one bony finger away, it snaps back spring-loaded. So what does this have to do with gratitude? Well, I’m inviting you into my world for a second. It can be dark and dingy. It’s definitely not a rainbow oasis. It’s blood, sweat, and tears. Some laughs. Some smiles. Some love.

Or, is my world laughs, smiles, and love with some darkness, some dinginess, some tears?

I try so hard to be happy that I’ve given up on it. It is a phantom that walks through walls. It is a place of myth spoken of in hushed voices in crowded pubs, an X on a rolled up piece of vellum in the hands of a dead pirate. And I am like a colonial-era explorer, greedily saddling up my own ship with the blessings of a stately King and Queen to discover that mystical land of hidden gold, treasures, and happiness abound. Only to find it is Shangri-La, a fantasy. And I had Shangri-La in my heart all the time, if only I opened my eyes to see and appreciate it. I can have anything I want, I just have to know I have it first. It is the ultimate koan.

Dream Rock - Amherst, MA - 9/2019

Gratitude is recognizing the abundance of love in my life.

Even when times are tough, I can always recognize things to be grateful for:

I am grateful for my writing, it gives me an outlet. People say I think too much. “That’s your problem, Annette, you think too much!” Well shit, that’s why I’ve started writing again, because all this thinking has to go somewhere.
I am grateful that I care so goddamn much. Something in my being won't let me curl up into a ball like a roly poly until my insides dry out and I'm just a crustaceous husk made out of protein.
I am grateful for the opportunity to live out my childhood dream as a writer. To have the freedom, the time, and the means to do so is something that people dream of having.
I am grateful for creature comforts like wool sweaters, cute plants to look at, warm skin to snuggle up to, and brisk air that makes ruddy cheeks.
I am grateful for pain. I'm not sure if this makes me a masochist or a weirdo, but I'm grateful for pain. There is something about it that makes me feel alive. I don't fear it. I think in some way that may be a place for me to examine.
I am grateful for the people in my life. My family who care about me, my friends who accept me, and my partner who supports me.

Gratitude is recognizing the abundance of love in your life. See it for what it is, Annette. Your life is the abundance of love.

Farmington, CT - 5/6/19 Tomorrow's Lesson 7 is on Uncovering Belief Systems

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madlila